A lady was showing her visiting church friend her neighbor's wash through her back window. "They're not very clean people," the lady said. "Just look at the streaks on that wash!"

The friend looked, then softly said, "Dear, those streaks aren't on your neighbor's wash. They're on your window."

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.

"Has your address changed?" she asked.

"No," I answered.

"Your phone number?"

"No."

"What about your birthday?"

A fisherman lugging a fish twice his size met another fisherman with a half-dozen small ones on a string.

"Howdy," said the first, dropping the huge fish and waiting for a comment.

His fellow fisherman just stared and stared and then said calmly, "Just caught the one, eh?"
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A Little League coach called over one of his players to explain the principles of sportsmanship. "We don't believe in temper tantrums, screaming at umpires, using bad language, or sulking when we lose," he said. "Do you understand?"

The boy nodded.

"All right, then," said the coach. "Do you think you can explain it to your father jumping around over there in the stands?"

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."
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I was sprawled on the living room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

When he received a journal as a gift, my eight-year-old son was mystified. "Mom, what am I supposed to do with this? The pages are blank."

"You write down interesting stuff that happens to you," I said.

"So it's like a blog...on paper."
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The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

"That's a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. "I get two weeks' paid vacation."

"I'm so glad," said my mother.

"Yeah," added John. "I can't wait to find out where they send me."
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My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?"

One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date."
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A colleague at the nursing home was excited about the English literature class he was taking at night school.

"We're reading Shakespeare," he said.

"Great," I replied. "Which one?"

"William."

Jeffrey had just obtained his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said the father. "You bring your grades up to a B average, study the Bible and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

Jeffrey accepted the offer.

After six weeks, his father said, "Son, I've been real proud that you've brought up your grades and you've been studying the Bible. But I'm disappointed that you have not had your hair cut."

"Dad, I've been thinking about that," said Jeffrey. "In my Bible studies I've noticed that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair and Moses had long hair. There's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"

The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"

"I...I...I had no idea."

"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them money, why should I give any to you?"

The anti-aging ad that I'd like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, "Ah! I've used too much!"
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I was mugged twice last year. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? 1 in 1.
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Other people's tattoos are like other people's children: Only you can see how bad they are.

A letter I received from my son stationed in Baghdad:

Mom,
Yesterday I was part of a security detail for Kid Rock, Kellie Pickler, and comedian Lewis Black. This morning, I had breakfast with the Miami Dolphins' Cheerleaders.
War is tough.
Johnny

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During inspection, our new commander stopped and chatted up a corporal.

"How long have you been in the Marines?" he asked.

"Two years, eight months, and 24 days, sir," the corporal responded.

"Do you plan on reenlisting?"

"No, sir."

"What are you going to do after discharge?"

"Cartwheels and handstands, sir."