The Exciting Event

The children at school were asked to talk about a recent exciting event in their lives.

One small boy put up his hand and said:

"Daddy fell down a well last week."

"My goodness!" exclaimed the teacher. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," replied the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Formula for Water

The teacher asked her class whether anyone could remember the chemical formula for water.

"Sure," said one student. "It's HIJKLMNO."

"It's what?" said the teacher angrily.

"Well, you told us last week it was H to O."

Sometimes Kids are the Only Ones Who Make Sense!!

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

Little Bits

A married woman was asking for information regarding an insurance policy.

She asked the agent, "Suppose that I take the life insurance on my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies: What will I get?"

The agent looked at her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

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Larry had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving birth to their first child. When the nurse came to their waiting room, Larry was really excited and said, "Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!"

Proper Punishment

"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer, and CD player."

"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.

"I send him to our room!"

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This woman back home has a hard time understanding things. One day someone asked her, "Did you hear the story about the dirty window?" She answered, "No." The other person said, "Well, you couldn't see through it anyway."

She ran next door and asked her neighbor, "Did you hear the story about the window that you couldn't see through?" The neighbor said, "No." The woman then said, "Well, it's too dirty to tell!"

The Prognosis

A man suddenly started feeling horrible, and was sent to the hospital. The next day the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman replied, "What type of immediate action?" The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way."

On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, Honey?"

The woman paused for a moment, and then replied, "Sorry, Bert, but you're going to die."

A Son's Prayer for His Mother

Dear God,
Bless Mother in her walk today.

Give her the ability to see not just the beauty of Your flowers... but your work and beauty in the garden of life.

Be with her in her loneliness.

Remind her when she despairs that it is your world and you've promised to make all things new and right.

For every negative, two positives I ask you to reveal to her.

Remind her of not just the sorrow she has known, but the multitude of JOY You've blessed each of us with.

Help her to not suffer the pains and frailties of old age.

Renew her with a sense of your purpose for her in this world.

Remind her of the love of those who are privileged to have a relationship with her.

Strengthen her in her daily walk with You until You call her home.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

-- Curtis Burton

On The Lighter Side

The doctor called the elderly farmer aside and told him that he was afraid that his wife's mind was completely gone.

The farmer answered, "I'm not surprised. She has been giving me a piece of it daily for forty years!"
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The Sunday school teacher had told her class the story of Joseph and Mary's flight to Egypt with the baby Jesus. She asked them to draw a picture representing that. She was slightly puzzled when one little fellow gave her a picture of three adults and a baby in an airplane on the way to Egypt. She explained to him that she understood two of the adults were Mary and Joseph, but asked who the third adult was. His answer: "Oh, that's Pontius the pilot."

Barney

A small child with a bad cough was taken by her parents to a hospital emergency room. A nurse, examining the child's lungs with a stethoscope, told the child, "I have to see if Barney is in there."
"I have Jesus in my heart," the child replied. "Barney is on my underwear."

Three Most Important Words

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the guests were polled to see who had been married the longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. We were asked, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."