Computer Humor

- A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

- To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

- The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Gift Rap

I was surprised when my teen-age son handed me a Christmas gift, because I knew he had little money to spend. Opening the gaily wrapped box, I found two AA batteries with a note "Gift Not Included."

Ever notice...

...how hard it is to keep your head when your neck is on the line?

...how people on the go don't have time not to have time?

...how a minute contains 60 seconds unless it's preceded by "Just a"?

Impress a Girl

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"

Peat Moss

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

Mom Test

As Momma was out walking with her 4-year-old daughter, the little one picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. Momma quickly took the item away and told her not to do that.

The child asked why, and Momma said, "Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been; it's dirty and probably has germs."

Her daughter asked, "Momma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

The mother said, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mom."

The little girl thought for a minute and replied, "So, if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad, right?"

"Exactly," came the immediate response.

First Duty

When it was time for me to be sworn in as a U.S. Citizen, I anxiously drove to the county courthouse. I had trouble finding a parking space but eventually joined 50 or 60 other nervous people for a beautiful ceremony. It culminated with out standing to take the oath of citizenship, including our promise to obey the laws of the United States. About a dozen of us then left the courthouse and did our first duty as Americans - we went to pay our parking tickets.

Small Italian

My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject.

One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.

"I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."

"Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply.

"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says.

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...

"Small Italian, your order is up!"

The Christian Barber

There was a barber that thought he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to talk with the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to talk to him about you. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

Church Signs

1) Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

2) Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

3) Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

4) An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.

5) When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

6) Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!

7) Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

8) Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

9) Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

10) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.