Life

With a party going full bore in the apartment above his, my friend could forget about getting any sleep. The next day, he spotted the offending party giver.

"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?" he asked.

The woman smiled pleasantly. "That's okay. We were making a lot of noise ourselves."
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I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I've always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you'll have an excuse for when you miss."

Just for Laughs

Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." So Louie gets up and moves his car.

Two days later -- same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared," blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street." Louie gets up and does what he's told.

Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park you cars on the...," and then the power goes out.

"What should I do?" a confused Louie asks his wife.

"This time," she says, "why don't you just leave the car in the garage?"

Just for Laughs

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it.

"What are you complaining about?" he fires back. "You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."
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Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving he island, he gave the rescue party a tour. "I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over there is the church I worshiped in."

"What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.

Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

For Laughs

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist ask the farmer why he kept calling the horse by the wrong name.

"Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Stronger Every Day

Steve ran into an older neighbor who was getting out of his car with a bag of groceries.

"How are you doing these days, Harv?" Steve asked.

"I'm a lot stronger than I was when I was younger," Harv replied. "It used to take me several trips back and forth from the car to carry in $100 worth of groceries. Now I can carry 'em all in one trip."
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Do you know why nobody played cards on the ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Little Humor

While taking my 4-year-old grandson to a birthday party, his mother played the alphabet game with him to pass the time. When they came to the letter "r," my grandson couldn't think of anything to say.

Thinking he would say "Raymond," his mother prompted him by asking this question: "What does Nana call Papa?"

He thought about it for a minute or two and finally came up with an answer. "Aggravating?" he replied.

Sentence Sermons

Quitters in the church are like motors. They start "sputtering" before they miss, and start missing before they quit.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if mistakes could be sold for as much as they cost?

No matter how low in value the dollar may fall, it will never fall as low as some people will stoop to get it.

It costs to follow Jesus Christ, but it costs more not to.

Watch Out!

Sign seen at a local grocery store: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."
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A burglar broke into a farmer's house and told the man, "One false move and you'll be sorry. I'm looking for money."

The humble farmer replied, "Hang on. Let me get a light and I'll help you."

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Men, you might want to try this. A wise and diplomatic husband said to his tearful wife, "But dear, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

A Lawyer Joke

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.

"Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more."

Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. "Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years."

Generosity and Compassion

One evening a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating the grass?"

"Well, we don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass."

"Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I also have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Ok, bring them along too" the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!"

"Very well then, bring them all" the Scotsman answered.

They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are truly too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Scotsman replied, "No problem, glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."