Sticker Shock

An unethical car dealer had taken advantage of several people in the community. He called a local rancher about coming over to buy a bull. When he arrived, the rancher handed him this bill:

*Basic Bull: $499.99
*Extra Stomachs: $79.99
*Two-Ton Exterior: $142.99
*Heavy-Duty Straw Chopper: $189.99
*High-Output Drain System: $149.99
*Automatic Flyswatter: $88.99
*Genuine Bullhide Upholstery: $179.99
*Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.99
*Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: $339.99
*4x4 Traction Drive Assembly: $884.99
*Pre-delivery Wash and Detailing: $69.99
*Destination Charge: $395.99
*Tax, License and Title: $63.99

The bill totaled more than $3,100, giving the dealer a new appreciation for the term "sticker shock."

Beware of Dog

As a stranger entered a small country store, he noticed a sign on the door reading: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he saw a harmless old hound asleep on the floor beside the counter.

"Is that the dog I'm supposed to beware of?" he asked.

"Yep, that's him," the owner replied.

The stranger couldn't help laughing. "He doesn't look dangerous to me," he chuckled. "Why would you post a sign like that?"

"It's simple," the owner explained. "Before I put up the sign, people kept tripping over him."

The Power of Prayer

When construction began on a bar in a small town, the local church started a campaign of prayers and petitions to stop it. One week before the bar was to open, lightning struck the building and burned it to the ground.

The bar owner sued the church, saying that its prayers were responsible for the loss of the building. The church, through its lawyer, denied any responsibility.

When the case got to its first court hearing, the judge looked over the paperwork and said, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this. We have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and a church that doesn't!"

Cobbler's Higher Calling

This sign was spotted in the window of a shoe-repair shop: "We treat shoes, heel them, attend to their dyeing and save their soles."

___________

After visiting a friend who wears an excessive amount of makeup, our son said, "I'd like to take her through the car wash and see what she really looks like."

Mother's Day Surprise

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in
bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them
both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for
Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Last Words

Old Fred's hospital bed was surrounded by well-wishers when Fred motioned frantically to the preacher for something to write on. The preacher lovingly obliged. Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best to tuck the note away for later, so he placed it in his jacket pocket and consoled the family. At the funeral, the preacher finished his eulogy, and then realized he was wearing the jacket that contained Fred's final note.

"Fred handed me a note just before he died," the preacher said. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, the preacher read, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A Marriage Made in Heaven

"How did God make you so beautiful and so stupid at the same time?" Tom asked his wife, Betty.

"He made me beautiful so you would marry me," she replied. "And he made me stupid so I would marry you."
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Upon seeing that her 7-year-old son had emptied the box of animal crackers onto the table and lined them in a row, his mother scolded, "Don't play with your food!"

"But, Mom," the boy replied, "the package says not to eat these if the seal is broken, and I'm looking for the seal to see if it is still in one piece."

Little Humor

"What is the meaning of Thanksgiving?" asked my 4-year-old daughter. I told her it's when we all go to Grandma's house and thank God for all of His blessings.

"Oh," she replied. "Is He going to be there?"
__________________

When our son first started kindergarten,he soon became acquainted with a little girl named Darlene. Each day when he came home, he always had something nice to say about her.

One day he surprised us all by saying, "I kissed Darlene today."

Thinking it was just a tap on her cheek, we asked where he had kissed her.

"Under the table," he answered.

Count Your Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when suddenly the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in every direction, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed. "But I managed to find all 12 of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," beamed the farmer. "You left with only seven."

Little Humor

My son heard his cell phone ringing, but by the time he found where it was, the caller had hung up.

That's when my 8-year-old granddaughter, Rachel, piped up and told her dad they should get one of the new kind of telephones like their neighbors have.

"What kind is it?" he asked.

"It has a cord hooked to it," Rachel explained.
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When my 4-year-old nephew was asked to be a ring bearer at his aunt's wedding, he agreed on one condition. "I'll only do it if I can be a grizzly bear," he said.

Seeing the look of confusion of everyone's face, he explained that if he had to be a bear in a wedding, he wanted to be a grizzly.